Silent Noise

 People have funny ways of disappointing us. Some do it willingly, some do it because it’s their natural state, some do it because they have no other choice, some do it simply out of love and yet there are those, who disappoint without even knowing it.  I wonder what it would be like if we could all see in a straight line, in the format of a table or a chart, the amount of times that we have disappointed someone and never known about it or the times that we have gotten so very disappointed and never let the person know, or even uttered a single word. What would it be like to see that? I am sure that many of us would rather not. However, I can’t help but wonder what its outcome would be to my psyche. Would I be sad? Motivated? Angered? I just do not know. I guess one could say that I do not know myself well enough, but consider this: How much do we really know about ourselves? 

The human mind is an abyss of undiscovered depths. Do you think that the universe and its unanswered magnitudes are the deepest, most unattainable secrets of our human lives? Try the human mind and the ability to be human sometime. After all, one could argue that everything that we do know of and believe is a product of the human mind. The only thing we know for certain is our own being and at the very depths of our being, in the midst of all our emotions and experiences, at the very heart of it, dwells this small sliver of disappointment. 

We can all deny it and most of us choose to do so their entire lives, however, there is at some point, in some way, an echo of sadness in all of us. A tiny piece of sadness that resides in every single one of us. We carry it around with us, unknowingly, every day and every second of our lives.  It has been passed down for generations and eons, burning through our veins, pouring into our mind, defining and illuminating certain aspects of our lives. Yes, we carry it in us every day. Some days, it shrinks to a size so small that it gets by unnoticed and some days, it expands itself into every corner of our consciousness, spreading its tentacles into our deepest memories and swirling its pain through our unanswered dreams. Disappointment and sadness. Yes, they echo through our endless human lives.

I see fleeting beauty in those traces of sadness that we carry around in ourselves. I find it so very beautiful when the rain falls as tears roll down, as if the universe mourns your sorrow too. I feel its beauty in the crushed photos and souvenirs of lost times and memories that reside in my diary. I feel the full force of its loveliness when I’m surrounded by an overwhelming silence, silence so loud that its voice can be heard with every breath on a stuffy Saturday afternoon. I can taste it in the whispers of old songs and melodies that recall those lost traces of my life that I had buried deep inside.  

I felt it for the first time when I chased a train right up to and beyond the platform, a long time ago and I don’t believe I have ever found so much beauty in sadness as I did that day. I had never felt such power of my being before. In that moment, when I realized that I could feel so sad and so strong at the same time, something within me changed. It made me see, made me aware of myself. I sometimes wonder if I had ever really felt my feelings before then. It broke through my walls, my chains, my barriers. Sadness and pain do that better than any other emotion.

It is very easy to run away from sadness, avoid it, bury it and chase it to the nether of our minds. I would rather face it, confront it and love it as the child I never wanted, then loved and then lost. It seems more natural to me to carry it willingly and conclusively, like a battle scar, proud and evident than to bury it somewhere or run from it for all of time. It is a part of all of us, just like our happiness and our love for our close ones. Do we tell our heart that we love it and our kidneys that we hate them based on their functionality? No, we do not. It’s the very same thing. We need and love our kidneys just as much as our heart. We need our sadness just as much as our contentment. One would be so useless without the other. One would be so incomplete without the other.